I don't know how I got to this point

I am growing ever so close to weighing 140 lbs. I was once at this weight but I was involved in so many sports and I was really muscular at that time. I have been trying so hard to go through life with out starving myself and going back to Ana but I can't quiet her any more. I am so sick of just eating to be healthy. It's driving me insane. Today I woke up and decided to fast. The last thing I ate was probably around midnight. So it's only been about 18 hours. Coffee, coffee, coffee! I have a friend coming in to town tomorrow around 5pm and I think I want to fast until Saturday so that is sort of problematic. She too has had eating disorders at one time or another in her life and I don't want her to realize that I am not eating. We'll see how that goes...

Since I haven't posted in so long I'll reintroduce myself
My name is April, I'm a Texas girl and I'm 5'8"

Hope you are all having a lovely day


(no subject)

if my weight doesn't drop more by the morning I will be so disappointed -_-

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.


(no subject)

this is from Sunday before I hit the gym. I forgot to post it... making progress but still so far to go til I am satisfied. Uggghh I don't know what I'm saying, I don't think I will ever be satisfied :/

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.


(no subject)

hello dolls!
off to the gym, I hope I wake up tomorrow thinner & feeling better.



Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.


this doesn't apply to all of you...

I have been reading in some of my communities that people are confused about what they are for. in my opinion they are for anyone currently struggling or in recovery. we are able to connect and provide support for one another...


with that being said, I don't like reading comments from people with out ed's saying that they don't understand why we are the way we are. you shouldn't have joined a commuity that says proana or ana in the title if you don't have an ed and want to criticize.


maybe I misinterpreted the situation but it was kind of upsetting.


- on a different note though, so far my meal plan is going well. haven't had cravings and I'm going to the gym soon. hope you're all having a great day!

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.


(no subject)

I typed out a long post and some how deleted it... face, meet palm!


any whoo, I made a meal plan for every day of the week. each day is between like 250-550 cals a day all low fat and low carb. I easily can burn that at the gym so some days I will have negative cals for the day. Sunday I am allowed one meal that will be whatever I want if I stick to the plan the rest of the week.


I ordered a free trial of SENSA. has anyone else tried it??


hope you're all having a lovely day <3

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.


(no subject)

looking for a good lj app for my evo but I can't find one... any suggestions?


also if people are in the US. I have sprint, texting buddies... 9569849953


if you text just send me your lj name so I know who it is!

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.


(no subject)

LONG LONGGG time since i've posted. i had been in recovery after therapy and my boyfriend & family are constantly watching. ana is never out of my mind but i try to keep her away... doesn't seem to really work. i gained 15 pounds in about a year from eating and not really keeping a good work out routine. i feel awful every day about my weight and i feel like i dont know a "healthy" way to get rid of it. i dont know how to just diet. its either starvation or eating. i HAVE to get back to what i weighed.

LW: 105 lbs.
CW: 130 lbs.
GW1: 125 lbs.
GW2: 120 lbs.
-I'm not sure yet what my third goal will be, I'll decide that once i get passed my GW2.

I'm so stressed about so many things and the fact that i look like a cow isn't helping.

Hope you're all doing lovely. If anyone wants to be a texting buddy i would greatly appreciate it. just inbox me :)

(no subject)
i dont evenn recognize the majority of the people posting now!

my last post was in january and since then my life has gone to hell.

i cheated on my boyfriend of almost 2.5 years, we broke up, i started going to therapy for depression and everything else, i kinda stopped going to school all together, i bingged and binged and now my weight is around 124. i work out every day and stil have my job thankfully.

in order to make up for all my mistakes with school i am going to have to take summer school both sessions (basically all summer) to get my gpa up if i indeed want to transfer to a new school and move away.

ugh. life kinda blows.

i just recently started working out even harder, loading up on fiber, and taking some new diet pills. i think if i get back into the habit of posting on here regularly like i was before, i will be able to drop the weight and in turn be happier and more focused on getting my life back on the right track.


my name is April, i like in Texas

HT: 5'8
CW: 124
LW: 108
HW: 135

GW1: 121

GW2: 118

GW3: 115

GW3: 112

GW4: 108

**UGW: 105**

so sad...at the beginning of this year, i thought i would be at 105 by feb. now we are in may and i am a fat cow! FML. :(

2011 will be it :D
back to it...started restricting today :)

breakfast- 130 pm (lol a little late)
1 fiber bar (140 cals)
1.25 glass soy milk (80 cals)
2 cups of coffee (4 cals)

lunch- (5pm also late haha)
1 low cal fiber bar (90 cals)
1.25 glass of soy milk (80 cals)

soooo thats a total of 444 cals. so far for the day...i will prob eat one more time around 9 or so maybe some veggies or something like that.

i am going to slowly shrink my stomach...about 600 cals for today and tomorrow, then 550 for 2 days, then to 500...and so on so that even if i wanted to binge my stomach wont take it!!

i am around 118-119 right now...i wanna be at 105 by the end of january...DOABLE :) especially if i start taking ali again. in fact i think i will take one now, i still have a few...

i am also aiming to not abuse laxatives...

already bought some tums, gummyvites, and loaded up on fiber, and slimquicks (drink mixes) to get me going. I AM SO PUMPED :)

i am going to do this right!!! 

my breaskfast was 224 cals which puts me at 394 for today so far...MUCH better :)

(no subject)
i have been a disgusting pig....

i am fasting tomorrow til xmas, if i faint at work so be it.....i want to be 114 by friday

i am around118 now.

laxatives right now...depressed as hell.

started a job which doesnt allow me time for the gym, had finals, at work i have to eat fast food (im at the mall, food court doesnt give many healthy choices) so time to save money and fast and drop this bull shit weight.

hope you all are doing well!

(no subject)
so last time i posted i was very ill...its been about 2 weeks and guess what?? IM STILL ILL!! so i havent been able to work out but luckily my weight dropped even more bc i havent had an appetite and no one was on my case even though i was only having soup...it was great! my lowest was 113 and i have been staying with in that range in the 113's and the 114's but i have started eating a little more bc my doctors are concerned about my weight and BMI and blah blah blah soo i figured i would eat a little more while i was on my meds so that when i go for my follow up i will have restored some weight and then i can go back to fastingg and working out and get to my gw 3 of 108 :)

hope you are all doing well!! although i havent been posting i have been keeping up with your posts and some of you seem to be doing well while some, on the other hand, are going through a tough time....just know i love you all and wish you all a wonderful weekend <3

forced to break fast...its back on tomorrow
i ate :/ i had to. my grandma forced me to since i am sick and i am takings meds...ugh what ever...i thought i was going to pass out earlier so i guess its not THAT BAD
half of a grilled cheese. and some veggie soup

some how though i still weighed in at 114.5 about an hour after food. i didnt get to work out...i was far too ill and as i mentioned before i was on the verge of passing out :/

dr. appointment is on for tomorrow at 10 am i imagine i will be about 114-113.5 in the morning. i mean thats not terrible but its still about 7 lbs. i think i am just being paranoid...

have a great day tomorrow everyone <3

forced to break fast...its back on tomorrow

 i ate :/ i had to. my grandma forced me to since i am sick and i am takings meds...ugh what ever...i thought i was going to pass out earlier so i guess its not THAT BAD

half of a grilled cheese. and some veggie soup

some how though i still weighed in at 114.5 about an hour after food. i didnt get to work out...i was far too ill and as i mentioned before i was on the verge of passing out :/


dr. appointment is on for tomorrow at 10 am i imagine i will be about 114-113.5 in the morning. i mean thats not terrible but its still about 7 lbs. i think i am just being paranoid...

have a great day tomorrow everyone <3 

not as low as i had hoped but still dropping :D
at 115 instead of my goal 113 :(

man ohhh man do i every hate this illness....i bet its not helping too much that i havent been eating but i refuse! i have only been having miso soup (just the broth), soy milk when i need to take meds, gummy vites (0cals each-for energy and to fight off this illness), orange juice, and the most obvious WATER!

liquid fast trudges on!! this is day 4 :) nothing solid other than the childrens gummy vites since sunday night!

unfortunately i havent been able to work out since i am sick and since i have had a ton of family events and such which sucks but today i dont even care if i have a fever and want to die i am going to work out! my athletic coach from highschool always said that it does the body good no matter what to sweat by exercising and i am choosing to believe that this is true...i will sweat out the infection...RIGHT?!!?

the worst part of being ill is that tomorrow unless i get better over night i will be forced to go to the doctor and the last time i went i weighed about 120 and after i work out tonight i imagine i will be somewhere between 113.5-114 so i will have to figure out a cure for that.
--which sucks bc i would love to see what the doctors scale says since i feel it would be the MOST accurate...

any whoooo....i hope you are all having a great week! it feels so amazing to be back on lj consistently...i missed you all so much!
i send my <3 to you all!

the numbers are dropping :)
116 down 2.5 lbs from yesterday thank god!

i liquid fasted and worked out.

tomorrows plan....do it all over again! i hope to be 114 by tomorrow night and to be realistic i probably will only get down to 113 by wednesday...i would LOVE to be 110 by the weekend but i have some depressing stuff coming up and i tend to turn to food but i am going to be extra cautious to not screw it all up.

i love you all and i hope you are all having a great week <3

(no subject)
zantrex 3...my new friend! okay well atleast for now

the numbers keep dropping but i feel fatttt...i think its because i havent been restricting or working out as hard as i KNOW I SHOULD BE. i have been taking it religiously and following the directions. it does give me energy and the best part is there are no jitters!!! i am not a spaz when i take it so its awesome!

this week...my plan:
-fast atleast 3 days this week
-continue zantrex 3 and the occasional alli
-work out as hard as i can
-have a friendly competition with my ED friend
-try to be more positive

i am trying to avoid laxatives...its not working, i took some last night and took more about an hour ago bc i freaked out...i stuffed my fat face all weekend and i didnt work out :/ im so disappointed in myself :(

hope you all had a far better weekend than i did <3

long post but i havent been around so i had a lot to say
 i have been missing for quite sometime, i have been checking up from time to time but havent posted in soo long. so i have been going between 115 and 120...it changes constantly, today i am around 118. STILL. i have been working out a lot, been taking alli on and off, been taking laxatives wayyy too much, i fasted a few times but it seems to have gotten more complicated. every one watches me and its like they know (my paranoia) 

today i went out and bought a ton of things, lady at the counter must have thought i was crazy...i dropped 177 dollars at walgreens to buy an array of odd things. 
-on my walgreens list:
fiber packets
childrens gummy vitamins (only 5 cals each and yummy)
halloween candy
a best buy gift card?
burts bees wax products
(there was more but i dont remember now....its all sitting in a bag in my room)
..............i mean wtf? idk what happened to me......................

what ever...i took my first 2 pills (Zantrex 3) about 45 mins before i went to the gym and good lord was that a trip! i was extremely focused and had tons of energy...i felt high on something and it was AMAZING!!!! i cant wait til tomorrow...i am ging to take 2 in the mornings and another 2 an hour before i work out...

I WANT TO LOOK AMAZING FOR HALLOWEEN! I HAVE TO!!! i am wearing a 2 piece costume and i loook horrid right now...so disgusting! 

oh yeah while i was gone...i binged a lot...and made attempts to purge :/ luckily i am bad at it still and didnt try too hard before i gave up. 

i have an ana friend....well she claims she just wants to be thin for the holidays to look "sexy in a costume" but slowly she has revealed her true feelings to me. she hates herself as much as i do and she thinks i am skinny and i dont believe her..and i say she is skinny and she doesnt believe me. we fast together, tell each other everything we eat, help measure each other and shop for skinny clothes together. its crazy. i love her to pieces...but i also resent her, no one cares or watches what she eats so she can fast if she wants and she is thinner than me :/ 
i hope everyone is doing well...i have missed you all but i have just felt like such a failure and didnt want to post my stupidities. i love you all <3

(no subject)
i fasted from tuesday at 10 pm til thursday at 12pm so about a day and a half, i planned on going til fridy night but my boyfriend gets so suspicious and he wanted to take me to lunch on thursday to do something sweet so i couldnt say no..

so to keep myself from gaining all my weight back i decided to abstain from drinking any alcohol. i avoided most foods except for a few things(my grandma made me dinner on sunday and my boyfriends family had a party on sunday-i promptly took alli after each meal) and i also tanned on saturday and sunday which causes me to drop weight because i sweat so much and i look thinner when i am tanned and went to work out yesterday for about 2 hours. the lowest i was this weekend was yesterday at 115.8 which i am happy about. this morning i weighed in at 116.4 so i decided to fast for today and carry it in to tomorrow for as long as i feel i can get by without any one noticing. i am going to be realistic, i dont think i can fast the way i used to for 3-5 days at a time. i have to many eyes on me and i know my boyfriend sort of feels sad when i dont eat. i dont know if its that he thinks i may have an ED or if he just likes the company and feels odd if i dont eat so in turn he doesnt eat what he would like to....it could be both.

my best chances to fast are on mondays and wednesdays. monday i have work all day and then i have class afterwards as does my bf so i can just say i ate before class because he wont know...after class i plan to work out..atleast some cardio before the gym closes.

hope all of you lovely ladies are doing well!! i wish you all a great week! <3

(no subject)
so i am guessing i am at around 118-120 i feel terrible i cannot believe what a failure i have been...i have shown so much weakness its pathetic.

but its a new day and today i am feeling good....

i bought more alli a few days ago to take in emergencies....but i dont intend on having any of those.

went shopping and bought some clothes that were a bit too small so that i can have more drive to fit in to those clothes.

i randomly decided to fast for 2 days AT THE LEAST, havent had a single bit of any thing...i know i should have some water soon but i am waiting til lunch time when i will mix my fiber packets (15 clas each) up with my slim quick (0 cals each) in water as a snack to keep me energized for my work day, work out, and school work. JESUS. i have a lot of WORKING to do haha.

i am going to re-stock my ana-bag which for those of you who havent followed me long enough, includes:
-a few tums
-fiber packets
-slim quick packets
-my measuring tape
-and a few laxatives JUST IN CASE!

i keep all of this in a small cute pouch that some earrings came in that a friend gave me at christmas.

now that school has started i figured it would be easier to work out more and to eat less but it has proven to be just as difficult as it was all summer long and now it seems like my will power is shot but i have a alot to look forward to that i MUST be skinny for.

things to be ready for:
-my 2 year anniversary is in about a month and a half
-all my new clothes to fit in to
-all the holidays that are coming soon

and with the money i save from not eating will go towards getting my family the christmas gifts they deserve and maybe a little something for me too.

i am feeling pumped about this....i dont want to screw this up. i want to be PERFECT!

i want to be 100lbs by december so i have 83 days til december 1st..... and 107 til christmas eve. I CAN DO THIS. I HAVE TO!

later on i plan on taking some pics and then i am gong to measure every part of me and mark of the photos what the measurements are and then i will post it. i hope every one wont be disgusted by this fat failure that i have become.

(no subject)
last night.....i died a little on the inside...

i knew i had been over eating but for the first time in about 6 or 7 months i saw the number 120 on my scale...WTF

i am fasting.

i am soo mad at myself i hate it.

this morning i weighed in at 118.2 or something...which usually in the mornings i am around 115. WTF.

so today i have had one slim quick packet (0 cals) and 2 packets of benefiber dissolved in water to help me get rid of fat. (15 cals each-so 30 cals)

i am so sad
i want to cry
i want to scream
i want to stay in bed all day and not get up to eat...only to exercise.

i dont understand...i worked out hard yesterday and on thursday at my schools recreation center and i have been riding my bike almost every day ans sweating like CRAZY...

holllllyyy shitttt....i dont think i had my period this month. that just hit me. WTF WTF WTF!!! wow i think i need a test. how could i have eaten THAT much...i have been kind of binging. i am scared either way... i cant gain I CANT!! and i cant be preg...i just cant.

i also drank quite a bit this weekend also...a mix of tequila, vodka, beer, and some sprite with vodka and oj. thats probably it...and i ate a lot each day of the weekend. maybe some of it is muscle that i am putting on?

shittt i am scared.

i am going to take a test during lunch
and work out like a mo fo after work from 6-9
and i refuse to eat. FUCK FOOD.

my short term goal for this week is to be at 115 again. which is only 3 pounds from this morning. hopefully i can meat that by wednesday and then i will continue the fast tile friday and maybe by then i can be 113-112 which would make me positively glow :)

i cant wait to get there.

i am not preg. i took a test at lunch time :) and for lunch i had 1/2 a serving of miso soup which was about 15 cals and had water to drink with it :) i resisted my fav food like a good little girl. not even one bite :) :) :)

during lunch i also bought a new scale since my cleaning lady broke the 2nd one i had so now i have 2 again :) and i bought a cleanse that i will start tomorrow idk if i should have bought it but i thought oh what the hell...i must do something.

HAS ANYONE EVER TRIED 14 DAY ACAI BERRY CLEANSE? if so, what was your experience with it? please let me know ASAP i am nervous to try this.

(no subject)
*Rice-risotto about 200 cals :'(
*Broccoli-about 25 cals
*2 packets of benefiber- about 30 cals

about 255 cals which brings me up to 458 cals for today so far

AH!!!!! WHAT THE HELLLLLL!!!! i took an alli, i hope it takes out some of this food...

 i want to starve, i want to be wired on caffeine, i want to feel "light as a feather", i want to not jiggle,  i want to have the PERFECT legs that models have, i want my shoulder bones to point upward towards the sun, i want to be in shape and toned, i want to be tanned...i want to be happy with the way i look and i want to feel comfortable in my own skin...i want to be weak and strong all at the same time. I WANT TO BE THIN!!!

what i am is fat, what i have is cellulite, what i eat is disgusting, what i do for "exercise" is PATHETIC, what i weigh makes me ill to think about, what i feel is depressed....

i hate my legs, my butt, ugh even my stomach isnt looking so flat these days, my arms move in ripples even after the rest of me is no longer in motion......

I am FAT! so fucking fat fat fat fat fatttt!!!

i have dug myself deeper and deeper in a hole....a hole that is surrounded by every single reminder that i am NOT ANYWHERE NEAR PERFECT and that i NEVER WILL BE unless i stop binging, stop being lazy....count every single thing i put in my body i MUST. i did it before and i was happier....i just need to go back to that place

fat ass.

going on a bike ride today with my boyfriend after work and maybe while my boss isnt around i can do some sit-ups or jumping jacks....yeah maybe, if i shut the door i can exercise here....and i will turn the ac wayyy low so i will stay cold and burn more cals and then i wont sweat as much hopefully...

*1/2 cup of oatmeal about 88 cals
*8oz. orange juice 110cals
*1 16 oz bottle of water mixed with slim quick 0 cals.

*1 pc sugar free chewing gum 5 cals

so far for today thats about 203 cals according to the google calorie counter

come on you disgusting PIG, quite your shit and get back to dropping that weight!! 

i want to be 112 by this weekend...I HAVE TO BE!!! 

so i am fasting :) its been a long time since i have done this...i think posting makes it so much easier!!

yesterday i started out not too bad, i had cereal...then my grandma brought home some food and i went nuts after that. so i decided i had to take control. although i havent gained since the last time i posted i feel HUGE and it sickens me!

so i decided a legit fast would be the way to go. so far today i have had...

-1 cup of blk coffee
-1/2 cup miso soup (just the broth)
-and 2 or 3 tums

which puts me at about 42 cals...i plan on having another half of a miso soup portion at dinner time and maybe some tea. i really need some support, i feel so disgusted with myself....i want to push this fast for as long as i can. i have family coming in town for the 4th of july and so i know i am going to be down this weekend because i will have to eat and also there is a hurricane coming? i mean WTF i am going to be stuck in a house with my family and so they will be able to monitor my eating. hopefully it wont hit too bad and i will be able to get out of the house. even if it does the storm shouldnt hit til thursday so that is okay.

so who ever wants to join my fast or is currently fast let me know if you wanna be support buddies!!! <3

also ha any one tried alli? i have heard it makes a huge difference the first few weeks but causes some nasty problems? some one please give me some feed back on alli :) thanks lovelies!

(no subject)
decided sunday to do liquid fast, last solid...SUNDAY at around 8:30pm

day one of liquid fast is over and gone....

beginning weight 119
TODAY 116 <3

-2 cups of black coffee 4 cals
-water TONS

-green tea with lemon juice 2 cals
-water TONS

-water with lemon 0 cals

and i am not sure how many tums i took but just to round up to a good number i going to say 10 for the sake of counting calories (each one is 5 cals each)

i am walking on air, my head is so higgghhh up in the clouds :D

more or less i consumes 58 cals....i cant believe when i used to liquid fast i would some how manage to have like 300 cals...IDK how!! juice was my problem but i am over it...NO JUICE!!

i am also on my period so i imagine i will lose more weight...and feel thinner. right now i feel huge!

(no subject)
its so crazy watching this girl amy on the show intervention on A&E...she started out ana and now she is mia and its nuts how many behaviors she has that i do...

she hates change
she gets anxiety
she feels worthless

i have never been able to purge...i just restrict and i havent binged insanely...

she eats an average of 24,000 cals a day and purges atleast 4 times.

for the girls out there that restrict like there is no tomorrow, the idea of 24,000 cals is probably freaking you out....i know i am.

today i had 58 cals... (i am fasting)

i tried to play wii sports for a while but its not much fun doing it alone and also i started to feel a bit of awkward tightness and a little out of breath...IDK why i am feeling like this today...its only been about 27.5 hours, so i stopped and decided to save my energy for the next few days. i think i screwed myself up from abusing laxatives....i vowed to not take those any more....the last one i took was either wednesday or thursday....more than likely thursday...i was tempted to today cuz i felt enormous but i am also SORT OF on my period...i am bleeding very lightly and it comes and goes.

i started my fast at 119 on sunday at 830 pm and its 1150 pm on monday...3 pounds in a little over day. and i am not hungry at all, i feel AMAZING!!! :D

hope everyone will have a great week,

love&thin thoughts <3

(no subject)
this morning i WAS 115...but i ate a ton... i got a new scale so i now have two just to be sure its right...i am going to weigh myself in the morning and see how i do ughh i am sooo worried....i need to work out and stop taking laxs, i think i have been taking them since monday night when i re-filled my "ana kit" that i keep in my purse. does any one else do this or is it weird?

my ana kit:
-a small bottle of minty tums
-benefiber individual drink packets
-slim quick individual drink packets(it has caffeine which is my best friend)

i keep this in a small cute pouch in my purse and always keep it filled!

(no subject)
so i was sick had bells palsy...it was awful i gained weight and now i am working myself back to my routine! :D

wow...although i didnt eat very much yesterday i still managed to have OVER 1,000 cals!! holy crap!!

eggs with cheese and sausage with a corn tortilla in it (my grandpa made breakfast i had to eat!)
1 cup of black coffee
8oz orange juice

about 1/2 cup of beans-boiled with a some veggies

about 4 oz of ham (i am totally guessing i think it was less...but for the sake of counting cals i will round up)-smoked ham.
about 10 shrimp
1/3 cup of white rice-steamed

this is where i screwed up...

a few bites of orange cake with white frosting!!

cals more or less.... 1,157 CRAP!!

SUCKED! i had not given in to temptation all day until almost 10pm last night...but i didnt go nuts and at a ton of cake. literally my boyfriend was standing right next to me and i was feeding him most of the cake. BUT STILL!! this morning i feel bloated and gross...i HAVE TO WORK OUT!!! cant wait to get out of work!!!

luckily i didnt gain but i feel heavy!!

today i am starting a 72 hour liquid fast...

the last thing i ate was around 1030pm last night.

for today i have had:

1 cup of black coffee
8 oz glass of orange juice
i added 3 stick packets of benefiber to my juice to keep my tummy from growling and to help me digest the shit i ate yesterday (45 cals)

so far for today i am at 158cals. i really dont wanna go over 300 cals...if i stick to my plan i will make it just fine i have 142 cals left for the day and that is a lot. if i have Miso soup of nothing at all for lunch it should be a breeze its just a matter of hiding my fast....these days my grandma is practically breathing down my neck about my eating habits. she is always watching me eat and the other day she pulled out a measuring tape and made me measure myself...my legs, waist, hips....and while i was going to the docs office for my bells palsy, she kept on checking my weight!!! luckily i was 119 due to the weight gain with the steroids...which is still with in a decent range for weight. i hope she doesnt become an issue because i told her to buzz of after she measured me and realized she was being too obsessive and i think i have her convinced she is being paranoid. i want to keep it that way. maybe i should bust out some of my over sized clothes tat hide away everything...but when i wear larger clothes it seems like i shrink and get lost in them which makes people wonder even more about me and my eating habits.

i wanna be 112 by thursday...i can do that :)

i wrote this a long time ago...
***in an old journal i had on here...although i wrote it so long ago, i feel the same.

"2008...so far is drastically different than 2007 was in the begginning...
happy to report that no one in my family has died yet.

i always thought my senior year would be the greatest year ever. so far it has proven to be one of the worst. as though the pressures of applying for colleges, trying to bring up my grades, and keep my family balanced werent hard enough, the universe had to throw me another hard ball and throw in a little death, devistation, depression, dissappoinment, and other family issues. every thing has a reason i suppose...i have learned this year that people can change over night, the few people i thought i could trust really cant be trusted, the ones who i expected would help me get up when i fell and scrapped my knees were ultimately the ones who giggled as i crumbled. even the person i considered my best friend dissappointed me. i am the most unforgiving person i know, but i choose to look past all the bad and just took it as a lesson learned and moved on...which blew up in my face, surprise surprise....imagine that! its pathetic that although people have not only thrown me to the ground but have gone out of their way to make sure i get kicked when i am down...i would still give the world for them. its fuckin pathetic. depression has set in, more than ever. i was spoiled my freshman year. i thought i had it so bad with the death (once again) of many family members, the pressure of school, my sleeping problems, family issues, ect..suicide blah blah blah i didnt think it could get anyworse, but i was wrong. things may seem pleasant on the outside...but if you dig just a teensy weensy bit deeper, people would find darkness, emptiness, and despair. if people have been wanting to see me fall...here i go. i wish the earth would swallow me whole and hold me 6 feet under for eternity. i dont know who my friends are, i dont know right from wrong, i dont have the right words to say, or enough wit to bs my way through these touturous days, family is nice...but they cant be there for me the way i could ever need them to be, family support can only go so far. my reality and the world i have created around me have bled together and i dont know how much longer i can hold on to this false persona that has brought me to the state of life that i am facing now. im not sure if i can take much more...i honestly think that if i had to suffer another lose in 2007 i would have been ripped apart on the inside and would have choosen to tear myself out of this thing called life. this year hasnt started off too well...different from last year yet its all the same. please 2008 prove me wrong.....

three months have passed and it still feels so fresh."

***i wrote that three months after my cousin died in a car accident.

(no subject)
 okay so i have fasted all day :) 

not even a little soup

today i had...

-1 cup of black coffee
-4 oz. of orange juice

- crushed ice
- my fiber drink mix with a bit of slim quick

according to google that is 87 (+/-) cals 

i am prob going to much on some ice in a bit and finish up the drink mix i made myself at work (i only have about 2 ounces left) but i am going to allow myself to feel hungry for a while... i want to feel my stomach rumble and i want to yearn for a good while before i comfort myself and allow myself to much ice and drink the rest of the mix. 

work was a downer...my boss forgot to pay me...i am soo broke its pathetic...

after work was an upper and a downer... my boyfriend had an attitude with me at first but it blew over and i allowed myself to relax

after being at my boyfriends i came home and well that was a downer... my doggy is failing, he is sick and weak and it makes me so sad to see him that way. after my grandpa and i moved him to his bed (he couldnt move, his legs gave out) my grandpa then began to bitch at me while i was in the middle of discussing my day with my grandma. he just suddenly started to yell and cursed at me. 

i am so tired of being on this roller coaster. atleast i have one thing under control right now. my food intake, or my lack there of, is keeping me together...

 i have spent the last week hating myself...

so i tried to do my usual monday-wednesday fast last week and this week and i screwed up horribly...

i had gotten down to 116 last week and last night i weighed 120 after having eaten all day and then forcing down THREE slices of pizza like the true fat ass that i am.

i fucking hate this shit...and i cant help but let it show...i eat and i just want to put my head down and cry but at the same time it makes me wanna eat even more. i cant even believe that i said out loud to my boyfriend "jesus i hate this, i am so depressed!!" i can tell he is kinda concerned cuz everytime i eat i look disgusted with myself and i just wanna lay down and sometimes tears form in my eyes.

the rest of the day i am as chipper as possible.

the last few days i have felt depressed and paranoid because since i have been binge eating my tummy has expanded and after looking and looking at my tummy i almost started to think i was pregnant...which is soo stupid because i just had my period like a week and a half ago. in the back of my mind thiugh, i would rather be pregnant than just FAT....which is also SOO STUPID!!

I am so sick and tired of feeling fat, feeling depressed, hating food and myself, and craving food!!! i hate this.

and i am poor

work is annoying, my boss does not keep track of when to pay me and

...poor, depressed, and fat... yeah thats me.

oh and i cried last night and almost cut myself again...it had been a while since the last time i did that...
i started to but the blade was dull and didnt do much and i would have gotten another blade but by the time 
i thought to do that, the damage i had already done had made me feel well enough to not need to try 
again with a new blade. i got the satisfaction i wanted. 

but suddenly i am feeling awful about myself again...idk what to do with myself at this point. 

i should not have
 mixed the fiber with the slim quick....i am soo wired and idk what coud have caused this since i havent had anything today but the drink mixes and then coffee...jesus!!! i cant focus but at the same time i am suppper focused on a zillion things...i dont like this feeling!!!

i just wanna go home and sit in front of the tv and watch re-runs of "the O.C" for the thinspo and the cheese teen drama

lunch was fine.

my boyfriend didnt even realize that i didnt eat because i kept him distracted by kissing him and teasing him. he just barely realized as i was heading out the door and said "wait, are you hungry?" and i just said "no! i have snacks at work!! i am going to be late!!! byee!!"

and i just now told him that some one brought mexican food to work and that i ate.

i know it seems bad how much i lie...but its for my own good. i am trying keeping myself from gong in to depression about my weight by not eating :) its beneficial for every one in my life that i make up these little white lies.

now he wont try to push me to eat after work :) 

originally i was supposed to fast until tonight but since i fucked up last night i am gong to wait til tomorrow afternoon to eat

for my next fast i wanna get myself away from having so much caffeine....i am far too jittery to even type properly...

as i wrote last night,
 i am really upset with myself...

so for today i am not gong to have soup as a punishment to myself...

and another thing to be upset about is the fact that i took laxatives last night around 10 or so. three pieces of exlax reg. strength. they didnt hit me til about 830 this morning while i am at work....i have only gone once though. they dont work on me any more..the usual dose is two pieces but i usually end up taking 4 but i forgot to take another this morning.

today i have had....

-1 cup of black coffee (i am addicted to caffeine :( )
-8.5-9 oz of orange juice ( i stated measuring using a measuring cup a few days ago exactly how much juice i drink to give a more accurate serving to the google calorie counter)

-just now i mixed a bottle of water with half of a packet of benefiber drink mix and half a packet of slim quick drink mix...i mixed them before but not as much as i did today so idk the effects of that)

i waited til just now to have my drink mix because i wanna make sure my stomach isnt growling around my boyfriend. i refuse to eat any thing during lunch...i dont know what i will say this time around to make an excuse for not eating

i really really really want a scale for my room...i went to buy one at walgreens but i was pressed for time and couldnt find them! also i dont really have much money right now due to valentines day so i guess its a good thing that i didnt get it because money would have been tight for valentines day.

oh! since i am on the subject! valentines day....

i am going to make chocolate covered strawberries as i do every year and my boyfriend wants to take me to din and i imagine he has bought me candy or something sweet and then i have two family dinners to go to this weekend for valentines day stuff....being surrounded by sweets and goodies and delicious foods....it will be hard not to binge....


i am having so many random thoughts and things to ramble about so i am just going to stop.

hope my boyfriend wont try to make me eat...lunch time.

 i lost control today...

it was awful....

i was doing so well and i was in the process of a fast and i knew that yesterday i was having cravings but i didnt think i would break

today i had a total of 1266....

wow!!!!!!!!!!!! insane!!!!

okay so let me explain what happened....

i was doing fine, i only had

-orange juice

-sou (broth)

this is where i went nuts......

i had to buy candy for valentines day for my boyfriends family and mine, sucked and i had some crazy cravings but i didnt break then.

then i was at my boyfriends house and i was going to make him dinner but then he decided he wanted pizza...i think he knows i havent been eating properly...before we ate...

i weighed 117.5

then i binged and weighed 119.5

-2 slices of pep. pizza
-2 hot wings
-a piece of cake with chocolate icing and a few scoops of ice cream

fucking awful!!!!!

i cant believe i broke my fast and did that much damage that fast!!!!! soooo frickin pissssed off at myself!!!

tomorrow as punishment i am not going to allow myself to have any soup...i am going to have to rely on water and my other usual drinks....its gong to be hard but i hate myself for doing what i did...i felt so powerless and awful about it...

i could tell one thing though, my boyfriend seemed relieved to see me eat...although he hasnt come right out and asked me about my eating habits, he is watching what i eat and always makes little comments about how he thinks i am perfect and doesnt want me to change a thing and he constantly criticizes thin actresses and models.

idk what to make of myself right now....one thing i do know, i am not happy with myself, not one bit....

i had an awesome dayyyy!!!
 okay so today i just started fasting but i had been eating all week end and thought for sure i had gained weight...but i decided to weigh myself anyways so that i could know how much progress i will have made at the end of my fast...annnnd

i had actually lost 1/2 a pound...which isnt much but considering i had eaten normally all week end, drank, and was completely full of water when i weighed myself i thought it was a big deal and made me feel really good.

according to the google calorie counter i had...
***246 (+/-) cals :D***

i posted breakfast already, i think...somewhere...in a community or in my journal...its is getting confusing...i will repost 

-1 cup of back coffee
-1 glass of orange juice
-bottle of water with fiber drink mix

-soup (just he broth)

i almost broke today, i was having some crazy cravings but i stayed strong :)

so far today i have had
*** 161 cals according to the google calorie counter.

-1 cup of black coffee
-1 glass of orange juice

-a bottle of water with benefiber mix (20 cals, helps me deal with hunger, and tastes great) :D

so far so good :)

idk what i am gong to do this week to avoid eating food around my boyfriend...

around my family it is easy, but he eats more meals with me especially lunch every day....i am going to have to be careful and watch my words and how i play this off because i want to be able to continue fasting every sunday night through thursday afternoon...

i must be crafty!!!


at lunch i had:
-less than 1 cup of chicken soup broth with lemon

**6 (+/-) cals according to igoogle calorie counter**

i started to feel hungry a while ago so i drank some water....AND THEN....i thought i was going to throw up!!!

i felt really warm all of the sudden and felt something coming up!!!

i took a few deep breaths and now i feel alright...

so i am drinking some water with like half of a slim quick drink packet (0 cals) to give me some energy and to stiffle my hunger...

it was weird though how drinking water gave me a yucky feeling...its strange...
i hate feeling so blah when i am at work...i am having another day where i just dont feel like i am going to accomplish shit...FML

my total cals so far for this day issss...

**231 :)**

according to...

the new google calorie counter i have been having less than 500 cals a day....

yesterday (tuesday) i had...

-1 cup of coffee
-1 glass of juice

-miso soup

-chicken broth from soup that my boyfriends mom made

**407 cals (+/-) according to google**

the day before that (monday) i had...

-1 cup of coffee
-1 glass of juice

-green tea

-chicken noodle soup (just the broth)

-miso soup (just the broth)

**315 cals (+/-) according to google**

today (wednesday) so far i have had....

-orange juice

and that is it so far....

**which is 225 cals (+/-) according to google**

i am going to try to make today more like monday and have less than 350 cals... which means that for today i only have about 125 cals left for the day....

maybe i will have green tea again for lunch orrrr a really small portion of chicken broth

I <3 the google calorie counter!!!

I am such a little actress....

each morning i have been waking up ridiculously early to make my coffee, drink my juice, and dirty up the kitchen to make it look like i used dishes and stuff so that my grandpa wouldnt get up and decide to make me breakfast...

then i tell my boyfriend that i had breakfast and describe "my big meal" to him on the way to work and how full i am

annd i have been telling him that my stomach has been bothering me so that he wont tempt/push me to eat something

also i packed snacks for us to "share" at school to make it seem like i am interested in eating

then i will have some broth from soup in front of him since i am "not feeling well" so that he and his family see that i am consuming

and i have been going home a little later than usual so that by the time i get home they have already eaten. Once i get home if my family offers me something i either say " i am just going to make myself something, dont worry about it" or that "i had a big dinner over at my boyfriends house..."

I am going to have to find new crafty ways to get around consuming more than just liquids...but for now this feels glorious and is working quite well...

day 2 is over with annnd...
 :) so far so good....

i have only had soup (just the broth), juice and coffee the mornings, and water water waterrrrrr the rest of the day!!

i feel great!! i dont feel weak at all since i have had juice and soup....i kinda wanna extend the fast buttt my boyfriend wants to have dinner on thursday and i have family things to do the rest of the weekend after that so it would be practically impossible but i am going to limit my intake bigggg time!!!! maybe i will do another fast next week on the same days...

stop eating foods on sunday night and then have a liquid fast monday, tuesday, wednesday, and then break it gradually on thursday....

since tomorrow is the last full day of the fast i think i will only have water to boost the effects...

i am going to do my best to not break the fast until thursday night but my boyfriend did say he wantedd to make me lunch on thursday.....


then thursday will be another almost entire day i hope!!!

I have lost 2 pounds....i couldnt give up the juice in the mornings....i thik i would have felt awful for school and work with out it....

hour 11ish

the last thing i ate was 2 chicken wings, a small spare rib, and a few fries from buffalo wild wings (left overs) and that was at likeee 11:45ish. I am not positive about the time....but anyways the point is i want to begin my fast today since i didnt get to do the last one as i posted in my comunity....

today i have had:
-orange juice

-water with slim quick berry drink mix

lunch...i plan to tell my boyfriend that i am not feeling well and just make myself some tea or something....should work....

thankfully i am not hungry.....

i took some time to look at myself in the mirror the other day and i think i am going to post some pictures or myself and circle all the bad parts of me...i have the image in my mind with out even looking at it but when i am feeling lazy i will look at it to remind myself of all of my imperfections

i am so sick of hating myself, i must be beautifully thin!!

wow this is terrible.....
A few girls from my community did this little survey...thought i would too to pass the time at work.

I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[] starving myself
[x] participating in a fast

[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[] call me fat
[] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[] say I eat too much
[] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[] know I'm anorexic/bulimic

[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[] i wish i was under 100
[x] I could avoid food
[] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[] I could stop being ana/mia

[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

[] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[x] I tan easily.
[] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[x] I have tattoo(s).
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I had braces.
[x] I have glasses. But don't wear them.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[] I have more than 2 piercings.
[] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.

[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[x] I've run away from home.
[x] I've been kicked out of the house.
[] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[] I've had children.
[] I've lost a child.

[] I'm single
[x] I'm in a relationship.
[] I'm engaged.
[] I'm married.
[] I've gone on a blind date.
[] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[] I've cheated in a relationship.
[] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[x] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.

[x] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.

[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I'm upset.
[] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[] I'm addicted to self harm.
[x] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[] I'm at my thinnest
[] I'm at my biggest
[x] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[x] I've taken diet pills
[x] I've used laxatives
[x] I've purged
[x] I exercise
[] I exercise so I can eat
[] I work out secretly
[x] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[x] I've fainted from exhaustion

I've done:
[x] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[x] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[] Anti-depressants
[x] Ecstasy
[x] LSD
[x] Mushrooms
[x] Speed
[x] Cocaine
[] Other

this all makes me seem awful but, i am a good girl....i get decent grades, i work, i am honest, i dont cheat on anything/ anyone....ughhh way to make myself feel worse.


i am just cool like that...

i decided to fast starting....
last night. I took some laxatives to help get rid of my tummy after i binged yesterday and then i decided i would fast until thursday night, just to do a short 2 day fast. (my boy friend and i are supposed to go to dinner thursday night at our favorite restaurant)

but this morning, to my surprise, my grandfather was awake and he had made me coffee and was in the kitchen with me so i had to eat something on my own or he would have made me breakfast so i opted for...

-half of a banana
-activia yogurt drink

today at work i have not even been hungry at all so i haven't had too much water. at lunch i don't know what i will tell my boyfriend to avoid eating....i will figure something out....maybe just tell him that i had a large breakfast and that i am not hungry, then pack myself a snack so that he will think that i am gong to eat something at work and then throw it away once i get here....that could work :)

I think i am going to go to  sun harvest to get some good foods and maybe a detox. we'll see what my day allows time for....

bad day...
 my boyfriend and i got in an argument...

i binged like crazy after....i ate almost an entire cheese burger, chili cheese fries, some cake, cheese cake, milk............

i feel so heavy and look disgustingly bloated...

we made up quickly after he apologized but i was left with the guilt of having eaten like that....

i am afraid to take laxatives but i know i am not going to have time to work out tomorrow because i have work all day annnnd i have a bunch of reading to do for my classes...ah fml....i think i am going to take some.....i cant stand this feeling!!!!

so guilty... 

okay so today i simply...
 called in sick after lunch, i wasnt going to get any work done and i wasnt feeling great anyways...

i went to my boyfriends house and he and i slept for about 2 hours and then we got up...

-nothing :)

-a small piece of pineapple cake (my boyfriends grandma made it, and i was craving something sweet)
-a few spoon fulls of this cheesy pasta with beef (my grandpa made it, i had to)

-a bowl of steamed veggies with a small amount of cheese and small bits of meat

still could have done wayy better but in the morning and afternoon i did much better than i had been.

only yogurt, water, coffee, and a few sliced almonds from 6am-6pm....

i want to work my way to a fast but at this point i dont know if i could do it....


i am sitting at work...feeling horrible about myself and i am...

accomplishing absolutely nothing because i am so down and so focused on myself and food....

i need to find something that will help me not gain weight after i binge....

i have been taking laxatives before and after i binge to make sure that my body doesnt absorb the bad food  but the last two times that i took em i bled and that CANNOT be good...

i dont know what to try now...i just need to stop binging....

i look in the mirror and i see all my flaws and i dont want to eat...

fasting used to be so much easier when i was younger, i was so involved with school and sports that no one really had time to worry about what i was eating and i always had a great work out every day....

i lied to my boyfriend and told him that my boss brought me a breakfast taco as i had planned to do so that way he will not question me about eating

and as it turns out he truely did stuff himself this morning with a breakfast taco from the restaurant that is next door to his office so i told him just to make something lite for lunch for himself if he is hungry and to not worry about me becasue i am "stuffed"

idk how to focus better on work, today i am completely distracted and i have a lot to do but i cant seem to get my mind off of how awful and depressed i feel because of the fact that i had gotten off to such a good start and then binged binged binged....i feel like it has been forever since i have lost weight and its really really bothering me...

maybe i will try getting some of that fiber stuff that you mix in to water and start bringing that with me to work to help me stay full and help my body get rid of fats.

i still want to check out xome good detox programs....

and i need to start making time to work out, it is too easy to be lazy with work and school...

ugh i also wanted to accomplish some reading for my political philosophy class but that definately wont happen now...i cant even begin to focus on what my boss needs me to do now much less what needs to be done by tomorrow....the only thing that neds to be done as far as i am concerned is get rid of this weight....

I dont understand why i am suddenly feeling so horrible about myself and about every thing i do!!!

new week, new focus..
before work this morning...

-activia yogurt
-water with lemon flavored slim quick

once i got to work i had an uneasy feeling in my stomach so to help my stomach feel better i ate:

-a hand full of sliced almonds to help ease my upset tummy

i think i am just going to tell my boyfriend that my boss brought me a taco for a late breakfast and that i had a large breakfast before work so that he wont wonder why i am going to say that i am not hungry at lunch time. i can just eat either some veggies at his house or just much on the almonds that i brought to work from home.

I want to be thin so bad!!! i want to be able to wear those ridiculous short shorts in the spring and wear a bikini without feeling like i ought to be covering my legs to keep any one from seeing my fat, which i consider to be my failure in life. I dont know how i ever let myself get to this size, or how i allowed myself to get to this point which had led to my desperation to get rid of this ugly fat on my body.

In order to suceed i need to do a better job of remembering why it is that i wanna drop this weight......

more thinspo, more exercise, a scale, a measuring tape, and a constant reminder that i have a fat body...

say it out loud,

I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hunrgy, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hunrgy, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry, I am not hungry..............

i have been doing horribly!!!
 starting thursday, i have eaten...and eaten a lot!!!w

it was my boyfriends sisters birthday..i ate pizza, and  bite of cheese cake

friday we celebrated our anniversary, we went to our favorite sushi place and ate then we went to our friends apartment and drank beer...

saturday my best buddy was in town and made us dinner
-steak, scallops, and grilled veggies, and i made chocolate cake, chocolate covered strawberries, and cup cakes...i ate some cake and a cup cake...

today i have had:
-a cupcake with my coffee....

i am utterly depressed

i want to start a detox program soon...


Log in